Mercoledì, 05 Maggio, 2004 | Posted by Marie Sven Gerkin at 21:32

There are a lot of things that I remember about my father. (I hope you understand that I am talking about Lionel Gerkin here) At least I can say that I am one of the lucky ones.

I remember as a small girl, how happy he always was to see me. How he would hug me tight. So tight I sometimes couldn't breath. That smell of his after shave that lasted a whole day.

His tickles would cause a rush of delight in me. He was always there. When I had my first Holy communion. My Confirmation. My sports days. He was there. Always there.

It wasn't so much that he made me feel like a grown up and cared for. I think in many ways I helped him feel like a child again. I don't really ever think had much of a childhood. I never really met his parents. Nor did he ever talk about them.

He just enjoyed doing things, being around. He was so much more comfortable around children than he was around adults. Or people his own age.

I think he just saw them as big people. He could never live up to their expectations. Especially not their expectations of what a man should be.

A man. What is that any way? A dick on a stick? A testosterone filled bag of bones? Someone who shouldn't have and can't have any feelings or emotions?

Lionel wasn't like that. I'd go running for him like I did everyday as a little girl. He'd get home. I'd hear the door close and his footstep down the hall.

How old would I have been? Oh, I don't know. Little.

I can remember it like it was yesterday.

I rushed down the hall. So fast. Couldn't wait to get there. To see him.

I rounded the corner. He was there. Standing there. Tall, rough, unshaven and smoking. I couldn't smell the after shave. It was Jesus Miguel Luis Rodriguez.

"Honey,... baby ... wait ..." it was my mother coming up behind me down the hall. I just kept staring. He kept smoking. His stupid smile beaming contentedly.

"Baby, there's something I need to tell you ... about your father ... " He wasn't there anymore.

What more could she possibly want to tell me?